Too long have I desisted from writing this diary. Holding it close to my heart, I have hugged my secret —— till today. I have a confession; Confessions. It all started with Oprah, I think, many years back. “Most women harbor fairy-tale notions of Love”, she had said. I disagree; rather fiercely. Most women settle for THE mundane, THE ephemeral, THE material. I hear their protests even as I write this. But I persist; I wage this lonely battle for my most cherished ideal: for LOVE.
Ever since I have known my existence I have worshiped Love. Revering it with passion and adoration, I have hugged it close to my soul, exalting it beyond all others. I have watered Love with my tears, giving it what no one has —— perhaps, which no one can. I lose, today, my garb of humility and stand out, stark and proud. I have been in Love, once, twice, a million times. Perhaps I have set my Love up on too high a pedestal - no man can possibly reach its lofty perch.
Whenever I have surrendered to Love, I have done so with complete abandon. With no thought for my own well-being or those who cherish my welfare, I have indeed ended up hurting those who have loved me for those whom I have loved. But, in return, I have sought as well. I have sought rewards off Love that defy the comprehension of most men (and women) —— Love itself. And I have forever been lonesome in this scramble for Love.
Perhaps that is what had set me apart even as a child. I knew no one else who could feel Love and pain as intensely as I could. Why did I think so? Instinct? Intuition? But I know I have not been mistaken. I have believed that Love would happen; and happen magickally. I have believed in soul mates and karmic bondings; always believed that soul mates separated at birth are left to seek out each other. It is this process —— the trial one needs to go through to attain bliss; moksha; nirvana; salvation. The soul's instinct is to search for, to struggle for union with its Twin Self, its soul mate. It is this anguish of separation, this fiery path that brings out the best in oneself. Gradually, one learns of the intimate relationship that Love bears with spiritual emancipation, with learning. It is this chasm that one needs to bear cross with forbearance.
Perhaps that is what had set me apart even as a child. I knew no one else who could feel Love and pain as intensely as I could. Why did I think so? Instinct? Intuition? But I know I have not been mistaken. I have believed that Love would happen; and happen magickally. I have believed in soul mates and karmic bondings; always believed that soul mates separated at birth are left to seek out each other. It is this process —— the trial one needs to go through to attain bliss; moksha; nirvana; salvation. The soul's instinct is to search for, to struggle for union with its Twin Self, its soul mate. It is this anguish of separation, this fiery path that brings out the best in oneself. Gradually, one learns of the intimate relationship that Love bears with spiritual emancipation, with learning. It is this chasm that one needs to bear cross with forbearance.
It is here that most men (and women) fail.
They settle for the less than perfect. Blinded by physical beauty, wealth, lust, social norms, and a plenitude of other reasons, they 'marry' and 'settle'. And, as the saying goes, they ‘fall’ in Love. The shallowness of the relationship is taken to be the truth. And then after a while, the charm wears off. And once more the soul is awakened to restlessness.
Most ignore these nudges and lead “normal” lives. For those who manage to break free from the shackles of their illusory love affairs/marriages awaits perhaps a worse fate. They know not what they are seeking.
It is by chance, then, by some turn of Fate that soulmates meet. And fall in Love, again.
What then? What thereafter? Do they live “happily ever after”? No, not at all. If Love were to be the static, the unchanging, wouldn't it lose most if not all its charm?
Tulsi, chatak prem ko nit nutan ruchi rang.
Love is like the hues of the sea, the mystique of the sky...ever-changing, ever attractive.
I read The Little Prince when I was barely out of my childhood. In times of need, I turn to my childhood, I seek solace in the dreams I dreamt, ideals I believed. So I recalled, ‘Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.’
“What makes the desert beautiful”, says the little prince “is that somewhere it hides a well.” My LOVE, my soul mate exists, then, somewhere. I see him with my heart, though not with my eyes. I sense his presence in the world and that makes my life bearable; the world a more tolerable place —— if not beautiful.
7 comments:
chasing the rains again? the trial, the error, the futility and the fruits of labour - you've seen it all and been through them. all you can get from them is happiness, and it is happiness you seek - some find it in love, some in pain - why do you seek love? to be happy or to be away from it?
Love is a rainbow in the perched winter sky. A sky that depicts clarity. A clarity that labors reason. yet when the soul is again covered by the blanket of stars, it sleeps to dream of love. Love that is sublime next day when the sun comes traversing the corn fields, denying the lullabies of ... love.
We pine for something afar from the sphere of our sorrow...this is a lovers psyche; a philosopher's psyche and a bohemian's psyche...yet tis the truth that we all have to pass through the burning cauldron to attain the solace and bliss of Paradise in the arms of our soulmate...Sujatha I believe you've covered almost all the path and you are very near to be identified by the prince with that mysterious garb...as he waits to be unveiled by your sensetive eyes! God bless 'n Good luck!!!
No Dave, it is not the happiness that I crave, it is the notion of something beyond that allures. Here I must quote Maitreyi Devi, "I do realize that Mircea must have suffered a great deal because there was no physical culmination of this delightful never-ending love affair but I thank my stars that it was not. Otherwise it would have finished there. This everlasting yearning freshly grown gives me a glimpse of eternity..." Yes, Love is the eternal, the unending, the pain of which keeps it alive and fructification shall probably sound the death knell to its appeal.
agreed - about the never ending love bit. so true that love ends only in the grave, or on the pyre, maybe...
what about soulmates, then? are they an alibi to compensate lost love, or are they the support needed to regain the love lost? :)
i hear you completely. Piyali
Love is true sense of happiness and satisfaction. Satisfaction within self that there is someone in this world who cares about me and loves me lot and happiness which is a follow up of satisfaction. All men and women are selfish even in the case of love, they say in love there is no expectations... oh yeah then why do u feel bad when someone walks away from your life... you land up being disturbed, if its pain and sadness is what you looking for to feel content in life, its your life and your wish, God is there watching everything... oh yeah.. remember that the god is YOU.
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